I’ve been raised by a single mother who taught me how to be strong, determined, & hardworking, but extremely wary of what may lead me astray - ie: boys. Like, if a male ever became the focal point of my life, then how could the “my” go before “life?” Great lesson indeed, but there may be a chance that I’ve taken it too far.
Just this past week, we were told to order career, success, adventure, security, love, and extreme thrill from most important to least important, only to find that I put adventure as #1 and love as #5. I mean, I believe you can only attain all five if you’ve done some adventuring. It’s just sad that “love” was on the bottom of my list.
I know I have walls, but even when I make the slightest attempt to take them apart, I’m given another reason as to why I should build them back up again. Tell me how I could possibly tear them down when I’ve seen & experienced what love can do to a person after they’ve set their guards low. It’s almost impossible.
Controlling things like my itinerary, resume, and GPA isn’t nearly as difficult as controlling the feelings another person has for me, which is the scary part. What qualities of mine does he love? How should I act? When should I fight? The uncertainty is vast and heart-rending, and my instinct is to save myself while I’m ahead.